You didn’t used to snore. You used to sleep in silent stillness, so much so that I’d hold my hand in front of your mouth to make sure you were breathing. You used to joke that you slept like you were dead.
And then came the time when you stopped sleeping, the year when you wrestled demons and wished you were dead. You wrestled in the harsh light of day and every dark, lonely night. Life was hard and there was no rest for you, no sleep to ease your mind. My sleep was punctuated with nightmares, nightmares that continued into my waking hours.
Those were dark days when we clawed our way out of the pit, only to fall back in and try again the next day. And the next day. And the next. We fought hard for our life together, fought hard to hang onto love. And light. And hope. My prayers were fervent, urgent pleas for life over death. We clung to God. We clung to each other. We clung for dear life.
After months of this exhausting struggle, my prayers were answered and you began to sleep again. I remember the first night you finally slept. You began to snore. At first the snoring scared me, startling me from sleep, reminding me of all that had changed. Even at night I couldn’t escape that fact that for better or worse, we were different.
Most days it feels like that was a long time ago and for that I’m grateful. Our life is happy. We are whole. Changed, yes, but when we put together the pieces of our fractured life, you were still you and I was still me.
Now at night when I wake to your snoring, I press into you, safe in the knowledge that you are here in this life with me. I remember the days when you couldn’t sleep. I listen to your snoring and say a prayer of thanks that you have found rest, that we have found respite together.
I’ve come to love the sound of your snores. In the quiet of night, your snoring is the sound I listen for. In fact, it’s my favorite sound, the one I want to hear all the days of my life.
I heard you snoring last night and I felt safe. I rolled over and slipped into a dream. And when I woke, I woke to our life together.
It is the sweetest dream of all.