Enough

Christmas morning and bicycles will always be tied together in my mind.  I vividly recall stumbling out to the living room in footsie pajamas and seeing a shiny pink bicycle, complete with flowered banana seat, waiting for me by the Christmas tree.  Three years later I found a beautiful, blue Bianchi ten speed with my name on it standing by the tree.  And many, many years after that my husband bought me Frank the Tank for Christmas.

To this day I love going for a spin in my neighborhood just after Christmas to see all the wobbly wheeled kids strapped in helmets navigating the sidewalks on sparkly new bicycles.  This post is in anticipation of all the new bicycles that will hit the pavement for the first time Christmas morning.

There’s something magical about Christmas.  Maybe it’s the carols floating through the air or the scent of cinnamon permeating, well, everything.  Whatever it is, even this glitter-hating, heart full of unwashed socks Grinch of a girl softens up just a bit.

Image courtesy of love2pedal.com.

 Everywhere I look there’s joy and delight.  I’m not talking about the aisles of Christmas accoutrements in the stores.  I’m talking about the moments that cause me to stop and smile for an extra second or two.  Like opening the mailbox and having stacks of Christmas cards spill out.

Image courtesy of rodadmb-blogspot-com.

Or the smell of the first snow and the glory of a tarnished world turning white before my eyes. Not to mention the pure pleasure of flopping down in the snow and flapping my arms and legs until a snow angel arches her wings underneath me.

Image courtesy of desertrosepress.com.

It’s the little things that tickle me most like candy canes hooked over the edges of mugs of hot cocoa or a snowman peeking over his carrot nose.

Image courtesy of danheller.com

 At night the world is all a-twinkle, lights shining bright into the dark, calling up to the stars that sparkle in response.

Image courtesy of switchboard.nrdc.org.

There’s joy in finding the perfect tree.  Maybe it’s a spindly Charlie Brown tree you found on a mountain top and cut down with your mittened hands.

Image courtesy of inhabitat.com.

 Or maybe you take home the thickest tree from the corner lot.

Image courtesy of techeblog.com.

 No matter where your tree came from, pulling the boxes of ornaments out of the attic, turning on your favorite Christmas music and adorning each branch makes for a perfect day.

Image courtesy of tributesport.com.

 When I was a kid, my brothers and sister and I piled into one bedroom on Christmas Eve.  We’d giggle in our sleeping bags and sometimes always sneak a peek at the presents.  But the best part of the night was listening for Santa’s sleigh on the roof.

Image courtesy of odditycentral.com.

Every tapping tree against the windows and each creak of the house became absolute proof of prancing and pawing hooves.

Image courtesy of instructables.com.

We’d crane our necks and cock our ears to the side, convincing my little brother that Santa was hard at work while we squirmed in our sleeping bags.

Image courtesy of the Embassy of Indonesia.

In the morning, the cookies we’d baked for Santa were only crumbs left on the plate next to an empty glass of milk.

Image courtesy of trishadean.blogspot.com.

Christmas morning began with stockings, the toe of the stocking stuffed with an apple and an orange that went straight to the kitchen fruit bowl despite my mother’s tales of how children used to cherish Christmas oranges.  She had a point, but it was only later in the day when I’d made myself sick by eating my entire Book of Lifesavers that I’d eat the orange.

Image courtesy of cmybacon.com.

 My mother was a master gift wrapper, each gift wrapped in beautiful paper, with military corners and a shiny bow on top.  The presents I’d wrapped were always a rumpled disaster of paper that would never lay down flat and yards of Scotch tape to hold it all together.

Image courtesy of loren24250.wordpress.com.

These days my favorite part of Christmas is when my husband and I sit on the couch underneath piles of blankets and read the story of Mary and Joseph and the night they welcomed my Christ to Earth.

Image courtesy of mesamooncards.com.

After the gifts have been opened and all the Lifesavers and oranges have been eaten, we sing O Holy Night and hope that God hears us amongst the choirs of heavenly hosts.  We offer our praise in exchange for the gift of his Son.  On Christmas and the rest of the year we are profoundly grateful for God’s grace that somehow makes our meager offerings enough.

Bicycle Heaven by Denise Cottin.

Thankful Thursday #48

This week I’m thankful for…

  • three-day weekends
  • writing over breakfast at a local greasy spoon
  • my little one who beaded a bracelet for me, complete with purple sparkly dolphin bead
  • surviving another round of  parent teacher conferences
  • the little girl on the swings who was writing in her notebook and pumping her legs at the same time
  • vacation
  • Edgar winner, Charlie Price, who asked me to show him some of my pages even after I busted his chops all afternoon at the local Author’s Fair.  Here’s Charlie accepting his Edgar with grace and humility.  I have a lot to learn from him both on and off the page.

Letters to Little Ones: Coming Back

Dear Little One,

Sometimes you make me want to tear my hair out.  Not all of it, but some of it.  Not all of the time, but some of the time.  I have a feeling you feel like tearing your hair out some of the time, too, because navigating the world with autism is tough.  I know that and surely you do, too.  This is why instead of tearing my hair out, I breathe and you breathe and then we breathe together until we figure out a way to get from one thing to the next.

Disclaimer: This is a stock photo.

Lately you’ve been yelling at me.  Strike that.  You’ve been yelling at me all the time.  It’s partly because anger is one of two emotions you understand, but also because you don’t have a firm grasp on voice modulation.  When I point out that you’re yelling and that you may not realize it, you shift into a somewhat calmer voice for a sentence or two until you forget and start yelling again.  And then I remind you again.  And so our dance goes, a halting two sentence two-step.

Little One, the occasions when you’ve spoken softly of your own volition are a rarity I can count on one hand.  And I do count them because every little success matters.  You speak in whispers when you’re afraid, like when you slipped your hand into mine at the field trip where we watched dancers, white like angels, and you told me you were afraid that the devil was going to come out next.  Scary stuff worthy of your whisper for sure.

Today I reminded you that you’d have a guest teacher for the next couple of days and that we’d see each other again after Thanksgiving vacation.  You misunderstood and when we hugged goodbye, you whispered “You’re leaving?  I’m not going to see you again?”

My heart broke into brittle pieces, Little One, because you are so afraid of your loved ones leaving you.  I assured you I’d be back and we’d see each other again in a few days and you whispered “I don’t like this.”  I could hear the fear in your voice.

Little One, I’m not leaving you.  Even when you make me want to pull my hair out, I will come back.  Even when I have to take deep breath after deep breath, I will come back.  Even when you spend the whole day learning not to yell, I will come back.  When you come to me with anger, or frustration, or fear, I will do my best to come back with patience, consistency and love.

Know this, Little One, you are worth coming back for.

It breaks my heart that someone you love doesn’t think so.  And it tears me to bits that you associate loving with leaving.

And so I will spend the rest of our time together this year proving that I will always come back to you.  I will always come back for you.

Little One, I will always come back because of you.

Love,

Mrs. McCauley

Thankful Thursday #47

Image courtesy of vejauan365.com

This week I’m thankful for…

  • the awesome shark socks my little brother gave me.  The fascination I have with sharks cannot be contained in a week and now my feet can celebrate all year-long.
  • Terry’s vanilla pancakes on a Sunday morning
  • when the message at church hurts so good
  • when spin class takes everything out of me and then some
  • parent teacher conferences being two thirds of the way over
  • Christmas colored Cadbury mini eggs
  • taking my little ones to see Momix Dance Troupe
  • early morning pillow talk
  • a three-day weekend!

Fall Back

The trees drum my window pane.
The rain taps Morse code on my roof,
A storm is whispering its secrets to me,
Reminding me to fall back, fall back,
Fall back to sleep for a blessed extra hour.

The clock’s red numbers blush at 4:36am,
Everything in the house is hushed,
Against the sound of the storm and your snores filling the air between us,
I close my eyes and fall back, fall back
Fall back into your arms.

You stir ever so slightly and I press into you,
Watching your eyelids flutter as dreams play in your mind.
I know the topography of your face like I know myself.
I kiss the scar beside your eye and fall back, fall back,
Fall back through decades of memories with you.

I watch ruby minutes flicker by,
You wake and tease me about stealing all the covers.
We giggle and wrap up in arms and legs and blankets,
I lie awake with gratitude for this extra hour to fall back, fall back,
Fall back in love with you all over again.

Photo by Martin Kenny of the gorgeous photo blog seenobjects.org