Leaving Uganda is always bittersweet. I know how fortunate I am to feel at home in two such distinctly different places in the world, I know what a rare gift that is. This trip has been unlike any other, all of our projects going smoothly or taking unexpected turns for the better. My husband likes to remind me that it’s ok, good even, that things went so smoothly.
For me the biggest challenge has been balancing being a mother, being a daughter, and being true to the beliefs we hold dear within Vigilante Kindness. It was a tightrope walk for me. My prayers were often petitions for grace and wisdom and strength and understanding. My actual prayers were not that eloquent. They were more like, “I’m out of ideas here, God. Can you let me in on the plan?” Or “God, remind me to be kind. Help me understand.” I prayed that one a lot. But do you want to know the prayer I prayed the most? I hope you find this as funny as I do. I’m not even a country music fan, yet over and over again I prayed-and I wish I were making this up-I prayed, “Jesus, take the wheel.” I’m embarrassed to admit it, but it’s true.
There were times on this trip where I was bad at being a mom, bad at being a daughter, or bad at figuring out where to go next with VK. Sometimes I was bad at all three at once and I’d take a quiet moment, most times while I was washing my clothes in the shower, because there’s something about water that makes me think, and I’d say out loud, “Jesus, take the wheel.” Then I’d throw my soapy hands up in the air like I was releasing a steering wheel. No joke.
I’m new to this mothering thing and this year I got to know my boys better, got to see some of their less desirable qualities. They also got to know me better and I’m sure saw some of my less desirable qualities, too. Mix that in a bowl with my shortcomings as a daughter and two cultures that often operate in opposite directions than one another and you’ve got a big lump of mess.
A big beautiful mess.
But over and over again we chose to love each other, to navigate our differences, our disagreements, to build bridges across the chasms created by our cultures.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a quote from Mister Rogers about how the verb love is an active verb, like the verb struggle. Love is a choice we make over and over again. And to love someone as they are in this very moment, perhaps in an ugly mess of a moment, when love is the last thing you want to speak, and yet you dislodge loving words from your throat and speak them anyway, that is love.
I don’t know about you, but isn’t that great news, that in the throes of difficulty we can choose to love? Better yet, in tantrums of our own worst selves, we have people who choose the struggle, choose to love us. Best of all, God chooses every day to love our imperfect, praying in the shower selves.
Moms out there, I don’t know how you do it. I really don’t. This motherhood thing isn’t for sissies. Maybe you’re like me, and you and your kid are unveiling the vulnerable and sometimes messy sides of yourselves. Maybe you aren’t bridging the cultural gaps we’re traversing, but maybe your kid is residing in the very foreign land of Teenager and you aren’t finding common ground. You’re not alone.
In the moments when you’re on empty, borrow Mister Rogers’ words. Choose to struggle for love, choose to struggle in love, choose love. And in the moments when all you can do is throw up your soapy hands and give up the wheel, Carrie Underwood and I are here for you, too.
7 thoughts on “Love and Struggle With Carrie Underwood and Mister Rogers”
Hi Alicia, Just wanted to tell you how much your writings and work in Uganda have impacted me. Several times since you went there, I have found myself in prayer for your needs, whatever they might be, and that you would be given wisdom from above for whatever decisions must be made. Today I was especially prodded to pray for you as I was sure you must soon be returning home since the school year is beginning here, and I knew there would be all sorts of emotions attached to that parting. Though I don’t know you personally, we do attend the same church, and I am praying for open doors for us to meet. I don’t know why and don’t have an agenda at all, I just feel nudged by God. As Pastor Rick suggested to me some months ago, I would love for you to join the writing team of women at our church who write the daily devotionals on our church website–not because you are a great writer, though you are, but because you have so much to share with our women. We believing women need testimonies like yours. Your stories will change us all. I honor you.
Thanks so much for the encouragement and prayers. I gladly take them all. Let’s definitely connect when I’m home. I’ll be stateside in a few days. Please email me your contact information. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org Talk to you soon!
Transparent story about your love and endurance. Alicia, you are growing better every day on an adventure that will never end. Smart of you to let Jesus do the driving when there are too many directions to choose.”Count it all joy when you experience challenges that make you better.” You would not be where you are today if you did not go on the more difficult rides in life.
Thanks, Chris. I’m pretty fortunate to be on this adventure. Even in the tough spots, it’s something I wouldn’t give up for anything.
Alicia, everything you said is true.. it sounds like you are learning to love like God, which is always persevering, never forsaking… 🙂
So true. Thanks.
Thank you for your encouraging words. I’m moving into town today, so am up to ears in a “mess”….something made me open your email today….and it has helped. Thank you. Chloe Winston