O Christmas Candy, O Christmas Candy

Mistletoe, drive-thru nativity scenes, Christmas carols, stockings hung with care, candlelight Christmas Eve services, twinkle lights; it is, indeed, the most wonderful time of the year.  But only due in part to all of those things.  The other day I was strolling the aisles of Target and hallelujah, the Christmas candy is here!

Oh, joyous red and green peanut M&M’s, how I’ve missed you.  Your orange and black Halloween cousins leave a lot to be desired.  Really, who would eat a black M&M over a red or green one?  I can’t even talk about those lame Indiana Jones peanut M&M’s without marked disdain in my voice.  The colors were atrocious.  Lime green and baby poop brown with indecipherable symbols stamped on the?  Who’s idea was that?

Little compares to the simple perfection of a candy dish brimming with red and green chocolatey peanut goodness.  I love Christmas peanut M&M’s more than regular ones because I like to eat M&M’s in even turns.  The regular ones have numerous colors to sort and then there’s the whole size issue.  The Christmas ones have three colors, red, dark green, and light green.  It really cuts down on my candy organizing time which means more candy munching time.  Merry Christmas to me.

Another Christmas candy, I’m happy to welcome back into the fold is the minty Christmas tree nougat.  They’re just so pretty, all tucked into their clear wrappers.  Not to mention the plunge my face in cold water wake up call they give my kisser!  If only Santa would stuff the toe of my stocking with these little dazzlers, but no, Santa always crams an orange in the toe.  Sometimes an apple, too.  Santa must be in cahoots with my dentist.

Back to the Christmas tree nougat.  My grandma, renowned for her Jedi candy ways, always had a glass jar of these candies when my family would descend on her for Christmas.  Grandma also has two swiveling club chairs in her sitting room.  I’d cram anywhere from three to seven of those chewy nougats in my mouth at a time and then beeline for the spinning chairs.  I’d push off with one leg propelling the chair around until I thought it was surely going over.  Then I’d tuck my legs up, tilt my head back and spin, spin, spin with sticky nougat dribbling from the corners of my mouth.  Ah, childhood; blissful and disgusting.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a nod to the mini candy cane.  While I’m not a fan of them all on their lonesome, there is nothing better than a mug of hot chocolate with a peppermint candy cane at the bottom.  On dry days I walk the three or so blocks to school.  Crisp winter air nips at my nose and steam rises off my mug.  Each slurp of the piping hot, minty beverage convinces me that it is indeed going to be a perfect day.  Until I step in an icy puddle up to my calf and soak my entire shoe, sock, and pant leg.  Crap.

Then there’s The Book.  The hallowed Storybook of Lifesavers.  Let’s all have a moment of revered silence…  Thank you.  The Book is a Christmas stocking must.  I love, love, love the sour Lifesavers and Lifesavers in any shade of orange.  I agree, the stories on the inside of the box are cheesy, but what do you expect from a candy wrapper?  Wait, I take that back because I love the cartoons wrapped around Bazooka gum.  And finding the Indian and the star on Tootsie Pops is awesome.  And at least Laffy Taffy offers the possibility of a chuckle.

Time to step it up, Lifesavers, and entertain me.  If you’re taking requests, I’d like some trivia in the box.  For example, what is the most popular Lifesaver flavor?  It can’t be butter rum or cough syrup cherry, which I happily fork over to Terry’s BFF every year.  When were Lifesavers first produced?  Who’s idea was it to make that yucky white flavor?  And what exactly is that yucky white flavor supposed to be?  It’s certainly not something found in nature.  Are there any Lifesaver world records?  Who came up with the idea to use a piece of dental floss to open a roll of Lifesavers and how is it that I manage to pull the entire string out without getting anywhere close to breaking through the wax paper barrier?  And finally, how did Lifesavers get their name?  That kind of thing would be way more interesting than some plotless story that for whatever reason always has to include a reindeer, Santa wearing too much blush, an abominable snow yetti, a gingerbread boy, a talking Christmas tree, and the token creepy troll.

Sadly, I’m not a fan of all Christmas candy.  The candy corn for example is in its finest state when in its traditional yellow, orange, and white.  I like to bite the yellow part off first, then the little white shark tooth tip, and then eat the orange middle.  Better yet, I like the candy corn pumpkins.  I nibble the stem off and then bite the pumpkin in half.  I DO NOT like that weird harvest corn.  Is the brown supposed to taste like chocolate?  If so, something has gone awry.  It’s chocolate ‘product’ like Velveeta is a cheese ‘product’.  Neither of them remotely resemble their ancestor.  I have equal disappointment for the red, green, and white candy corn.  It has the added bonus of turning my tongue a sickly purplish gray so that after I eat a handful, I must head straight home to brush my tongue 9 times before I can be seen in public.  Plus these holiday wannabe’s taste like my plastic mouth night guard.  Night guard flavored candy-blecchhh!

I recognize that I have blogged about candy twice in like a week.  Yes, I’m proud of the restraint I’ve shown.  I think about candy on average thirty-seven times a day, so to only have brought it up twice is a win in my book.  So, now it’s time for you to chime in with your favorite Christmas sweets.  In the meantime, I’m going to eat a handful of Christmas candy for breakfast.

3 thoughts on “O Christmas Candy, O Christmas Candy”

  1. Okay, first of all anyone knows that the yucky white lifesaver is coconut flavor. Not my fave at all. As for candy corn, it should only be eaten in yellow, orange and white (white tip first, orange middle second, yellow bottom last.). Other colors are inappropriate,as is eating them for other than Halloween. It’s like eating Christmas tree or ghost shaped Peeps. Hello! They are only supposed to be eaten for Easter, and then in great quantities. But you asked for our favorite Christmas candies. Well, there are the little chocolate balls. Preferably Dove. Mint M&M’s are high on my list, but extremely difficult (read impossible) to find. Most I love homemade caramels and homemade Almond Roca (English toffee?). Yeah. Those are my total faves. The only downside is I have to make them myself. The upside is the quantity is immense as long as I never actually give any away, like I intend to do when I first make them.

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  2. “renowned for her jedi candy ways”: classic line.

    Oh, and those clear lifesavers are pineapple, and the delight of my now few-and-far-between encounters with that particular candy. Don’t you be takin’ pot shots at my favorite flavor (cherry is #2 on my list; cough syrup, indeed!).

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