Giving Voice

It all started with a bike ride a few years ago.  Successful heart surgery compelled me to pay the gift of health forward.  I joined Team in Training to raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.  In exchange for $2100 in donations I would have the privilege of riding 100 miles around Lake Tahoe.  I’d never ridden more than 6 miles, even then I had to stop for a snack half way through.  I didn’t even own a road bike.  And I’d never raised money for anything before.

My husband bought me a road bike and I started cycling around town.  Pretty soon I was riding to the far corners of our county and then some.  A few weeks in, I still had no idea how to raise $2100.  So I did the only thing I could think of.  I wrote.  I wrote letters to my family and friends asking for their support.  A few hundred dollars arrived in the mail.  I still had a long way to go and so a month into training, I e-mailed everyone I knew and told them all about my month of cycling.

I wrote about my first crash.  I wrote about accidentally swallowing flies.  I wrote about riding along the riverbank at sunset.  I wrote about my adventures and misadventures alike.  And at the end of the e-mail I begged for donations reminded people how to make a donation on my behalf.  Donations steadily found their way to my mailbox.  And so the next month I sent out more tales from the bike.  I met my donation goal, surpassed it even, but to my surprise my friends kept asking for more stories from the bike.  And so I continued writing.

Then one day a colleague caught me in the lunchroom and said “Hey, I’ve been reading your bike e-mails.  You can write!  You should apply to the Writing Project Summer Institute.”

I responded with an eloquent “Huh?  What’s the Writing Project?”

That summer I got my answer.  I was accepted into the Summer Institute where I spent three weeks with a roomful of colleagues, reading cutting edge research and grappling with what authentic writing looks like within the walls of our classrooms.  I listened to my colleagues present lessons.  I gleaned ideas from college professors and kindergarten teachers alike, finding innovative and meaningful ways to teach my own young writers.  The studying, reading, and presentations were invaluable, but the most important time for me during the institute was time spent writing.  After all, the best writing teachers are writers themselves.

We began each day with writing.  I learned to face the terror of the blank page.  I experienced the beautiful rhythm of writing as a daily practice.  I learned to cut through the fat of what I thought writing was supposed to sound like and instead I wrote honest, sinewy stories of students who faced overwhelming circumstances with measures of bravery I can’t begin to possess.  Their stories broke my heart all over again as I put them to paper.  I wrote about children who made me laugh.  I wrote about the tender-hearted little girl who rubbed circles on my back when I returned to school after the death of my father.  I wrote the gritty and inspiring details of their stories and in doing so I found my voice.

Last weekend I was riding my bike in terrible conditions.  Icy rain pelted my face and the winds whipped around me at a mild 35 miles per hour.  The wind was so loud that I couldn’t even hear the music in my earbud.  I was left alone with my thoughts for the better part of 30 miles.  My thoughts turned to the current round of budget cuts that will eliminate the National Writing Project.  I thought about my classroom writers workshop and how so many of my young writers are finding their own voices, scratching out the stories of their lives in the silvery lead of #2 pencils.

I thought of my solemn little one who writes about her baby sister, her sister who died a year and half ago.  My little one wrote about the feel her sister’s feather soft cheeks against the palm of her hand.  When I asked her if she wanted to change the word ‘feel’ to past tense, she explained that she wanted to leave it as written because she can still feel her sister’s skin in her memories.  She’s learning that writing allows us retain what is dear, even when we can’t hold it in our hands.

I thought of my little boy, recently transplanted from Maui.  He’s a whirling dervish of a kid, who only sits still when he’s writing in his notebook.  He tells me he’s not a writer, but dazzles me with phrases like “I have brown eyes, coconut eyes.”  He’s a writer.  I know it and soon I’ll have him convinced, too.

I thought of my little girl who wrote this about her mom, “She is pretty like white, shiny milk.  She is so beautiful, I can’t believe it.  It knocks me down how much I love her.”  Her mom spent a good part of the year wrapped in bandages, recovering from brain surgery.  This little girl is learning the healing power of words.

Out there pedaling my bike into the unforgiving wind, I realized that everything I do with my young writers springs directly from the lessons I learned from my time in the Writing Project.  It crushes me to think that budget cuts will prevent other teachers from experiencing the same thing.  Surely teachers researching together, writing together, standing together cannot be seen as non-essential at a time like this.  That kind of work must be the foundation on which we build schools where we hope our children will do the same.

I find myself at a bit of a loss on how to effectively convince the President to rescind his proposed cuts.  Once again I find myself doing the only thing I can think of.  I’m returning to the blank page and filling it with my story and the stories of my students.  In sharing our stories, I give voice to the critical work of The Writing Project.

In the same way I asked friends and family to take a stand against cancer, I’m asking you to stand with me for education.  Please consider writing a letter in support of the National Writing Project.  Click here to read sample letters and to learn more about the NWP.  Your voice matters.  It’s time to speak up for writing as an essential part of every child’s education.  It’s time to tell your story.

My Oak Tree

Saturday morning I pedaled to school to co-facilitate a writing session for teachers.  We always begin with a quick write and Saturday’s prompt went something like this: If you weren’t here, what would you like to be doing instead?

My answer was obvious.  Saturday mornings are for bike rides.  In fact I’d pedaled to class and scheduled a bike ride for the afternoon, too.  There is something peaceful about pedaling out of town.  Away from piles of laundry.  Away from my job.  Away from the noise.  Away from everything except my legs turning the cranks and my heart keeping time.

My favorite place to ride is out to Millville Plains, where the wind whips through the tall grasses in the Fall and the wildflowers paint the fields in the Spring.  Some days, the hands of the wind press against my back and lift me up the hills.  Other days the wind rushes against my face and I am strong enough to climb the crest despite the wind’s advances.

There is an oak tree, a lone oak tree, standing atop the plains.  She is impervious to the wind, snow, sun and anything else nature throws at her.  Oak trees can live to be 200 years old.  In fact the oldest oak tree is 400 years old!  I don’t know how old my tree is, but surely she is the matriarch of the plains.  She’s been there as long as I can remember, the umbrella of her crown a favorite resting place for cows.  In the summer the shadow of her crown provides respite from the harsh sun and in the winter her branches are shelter from the rain.

I ride by the tree, pushing uphill, keeping her trunk in my line of sight.  I think of how I want to be like that tree, impervious to things at work that press against me, threatening to uproot me.  I think about standing tall for the things I believe are best.  Best for children.  Best for teachers.  Best for the world I live in.  When I ride Millville Plains, I can’t help but think of that tree all the way home.

I’ve yet to see my tree this season and still she comes to mind.  As Congress cuts funding for education, I think of my tree and square my shoulders as I type out letters to my elected officials.  They need to hear about how class sizes bursting at the seams create little space for relationships with students.  They need to hear how important the NWP is in creating teacher leaders who empower their students to carve out their own voices on canvases of blank pages.  They need to hear about how the NWP rooted me deep in practices that translate into a beautiful writing community in my classroom, in my school, in my city.

I’m blessed that my oak tree is just a bike ride away.  When I need to be reminded to be strong, to stand up for my beliefs, I visit my tree.  She is always standing proud and tall over the plains.  She compels me to do the same.

Hurts So Good

While the rest of the country is waist deep in snow, Northern California is doling out a premature dose of Spring.  And what’s a girl to do with all this sunshine and temperatures dawdling in the 70’s?  You know what I’m going to say next, right?  I can barely even stand it.  I’m itching with giddiness as I type my answer.

RIDE MY BIKE!  RIDE MY BIKE!  RIDE MY BIKE!  RIDE MY BIKE!

I haven’t been out on The Rocket nearly enough the past few weeks and so when That Laura suggested we go for a bike ride while everyone else watched football, I was all over it.  There is a new piece of the river trail that leads up to Shasta Dam and I’ve been salivating over it.

I pulled on a short sleeve jersey, arm warmers, and snapped on some Spandex.  I peeled my toe warmers off my shoes and didn’t even give my tights or full fingered gloves a second glance.  There just aren’t words for what a delight it was to wear my warm weather cycling gear in February.  It was a fantastic!

Keswick Reservoir

We rode past the Sundial Bridge and along the Sacramento River, giggling and burbling next to us.  Families were out en masse walking their dogs, skateboarding, and teaching itty bitty ones to ride their bikes.

Laura and I rode past Keswick Dam and climbed right next to Keswick Reservoir.  It’s a decent climb and my legs felt every pedal stroke.  In fact, my legs started aching at mile 15 and didn’t stop until I pulled in my driveway at mile 36.

But my heart, oh my heart, was strong and my mind was set.  I would not cut my ride short and I would not, absolutely would not, get off and walk.

As I rode, I couldn’t get over the glorious day that fell in my lap.  (Yes, I know this post is full of superlatives.  Frankly, it’s all I can do to keep from writing the entire post in CAPS LOCK.)  Every turn of the trail had something new and beautiful to distract me from my miserable legs.

The piercing white Sundial Bridge against the blue sky.  The hum of Keswick Dam.  The trees mirrored in the water.  The blushing manzanita bushes.  The backside of Shasta Dam towering above us.  I breathed it all in.

As the sun dropped closer to the mountains, we turned back home.  In the shower, I scrubbed the salt marks from my face and massaged my thighs.  They were quivering and already threatening to tighten up.  The hot water pounded my muscles, drummed on my aching knees.  And as I stood there leaning up against the shower wall, I smiled.

Because sometimes being a cyclist hurts so good.

The Red Boat

Saturday afternoon I pulled on my tights and arm warmers and all sorts of other layers that would keep me warm on such a frigid day.  As I got dressed, my nerves bounced around like rubber bands being fired in my stomach, plinking off the insides of my ribcage.

It was the day of my first bike ride of the year.

I love riding The Rocket, but there is just something about the first ride of the year that makes me all a jitter.  Maybe it’s that a new cycling season is so ripe with possibility.  Or maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t ridden outside in a couple of months and I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how to clip in and out of my pedals and I’m convinced I’m going to crash.  At least once.  Yeah, that’s probably it.

The night before, I pumped up my tires and took a minute to get re-acquainted with The Rocket.  I checked her brakes, shifted and listened for any new squeaks.  After a couple of neglected months, she had good reason to whine, but no, she is a bike who holds her tongue, a lady who thinks before she speaks.

I gave her the once over, eyeing the little chips and scratches on her frame, each one a battle scar, proof that we have been places, that we’ve seen the world together.  I ran my hands over her, making sure all her parts were in working order.  She was in prime condition.

Saturday was frigid.  I think at one point the temperature got up to a balmy 39 degrees.  My friend, Laura, and I cruised down to the river trail.  We chatted and pedaled, our breath puffing around us as we rode on the mostly empty trail.  There are a ton of newly paved sections and I was excited to try out a nice, steady climb.

We turned onto the new part of the trail and a creek to our left burbled down toward the river as we pushed up the hill.  We were quiet, only a word or two popping between us.  I’d like to say our conversation lulled because we wanted to enjoy the sounds of nature, but the truth of the matter is after a couple of months off the bike, I had to choose between talking and breathing.

One of the best parts of cycling is that I never know what I’m going to see, every ride is a surprise.  And as we turned a corner, there it was.

A beautiful, old, red boat.

You might not think it’s beautiful, but on a day when the sky was a gunmetal swath above the gray river, and the air was wrapped in fog, the red boat was a stunning punch of color in an otherwise subdued landscape.  I yanked off my gloves and willed my frozen fingers to work the camera.

A boat, a beautiful, red boat.  In the prime of its life, it could have held 30 men, maybe carried them down the creek into the river.  And here it was landlocked on the side of the trail.  I wish I knew the story of the boat, but there wasn’t anything or anyone around to offer an explanation.  I slipped my gloves back on and tucked my camera in my jersey pocket.  I thought about that boat for the rest of the ride, inventing a history for it, keeping my mind busy while my legs turned the cranks.

The temperature dropped and a drizzle covered my glasses in a sheet of mist.  We hurried back to our cars, willing our legs to spin faster as our fingers and toes ached with cold.

Back at home, I stood in the shower, letting the scalding hot water needle my skin.  I piled on layers of clothes and slurped hot tomato soup under a blanket, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the cold from my bones, couldn’t keep the goosebumps at bay.

I like to think the goosebumps on my skin that day weren’t a result of winter’s icy grip.  No, I think they were the result of standing tiptoe on the edge of a new cycling season, holding my breath knowing adventures full of unexpected beauty are just around the corner.

Hanging Out With Lance Armstrong

I had a dream that Lance Armstrong stood at my kitchen counter eating a bowl of cereal with Terry and my brother, Pete.  I never bothered to ask what Lance was doing there.  Matter of fact I never bothered to ask what Pete, who recently moved to Las Vegas, was doing there either.  Just chalk it up to dream magic, okay?

Pete was talking to Lance about something or other.  My brother can talk to anyone about anything.  I, on the other hand, was a bundle of nerves to meet Lance Armstrong.  Darn, even in my dreams I can’t play it cool.

Terry left on a bike ride with a friend.  Pete went into the guest room to change into cycling clothes, leaving me alone to make small talk with Lance.  I was already suited up in a Fat Cyclist jersey and bike shorts.  The bike shorts were black with orange and pink plaid running down the sides.  I don’t own a pair of bike shorts like that in real life, but if I did I would totally wear them, like all of the time.  Even when not on a bike because they were that awesome.  But back to small talk with Lance.

“Sexy.” said Lance, his voice laden with sarcasm.

“Spandex are always sexy.”  I replied.  This axiom is always true, even in dreams.

“Uh, your jersey is on inside out.” Lance pointed.  See previous reference to my inability to be cool even in my dreams.

I quickly pulled my jersey off and yanked it back on the right way, which I would never do in front of anyone in real life, let alone Lance Armstrong.  The flesh on my stomach hasn’t seen the light of day in years and is blindingly white.  Not to mention the fact that it’s a bit squidgy.  Apparently my dream self has no shame.

“So where are you riding today?”  Lance asked, kindly ignoring my stomach.

“Up to Shasta Dam.  Where are you riding today?”

“To Mt. Shasta and back.  Is that close to Shasta Dam?”

“Not at all.”

“Too bad.”

“But you’ll have a great view of Lake Shasta as you ride.  Although I think it’s snowing in Mt. Shasta.  You should eat something warm at Mike and Tony’s before you turn back around to Redding.  Are you allowed to eat regular food or are you on a specialized diet right now?”

“I can eat regular food sometimes.”  I gave Lance a sympathy pat on the back because that is a sad, sad statement.

Then Pete and I left Lance in the kitchen and rode up to the Dam and back.  It was a great ride and afterward, I popped into school to do a couple of things in the office.  And that’s when I got the call from Lance that he needed a rescue pick up.  I don’t know how he tracked me down at school.  Dream magic strikes again.

“My sprocket snapped and I was wondering if you could pick me up?”  Lance asked.

“Sure.  Where are you?”

“Let’s see, I’m about 60 miles in.”

“Okay.  I’ll be there in a little while.”

“Are you sure?  It’s a long way to drive.”

“It’s no problem.  I didn’t have anything else going on today.”  Seriously, I have got to teach my dream self how to sound a little less pathetic.  “Hole up somewhere warm and I’ll be there in about an hour.”

I zipped home and threw my bike rack on the back of my car.  Just as I was getting ready to leave, Terry’s friend rode up and told me that Terry also needed a rescue pick up.

I had to choose between my husband and my new best friend, Lance Armstrong.

Who would I rescue first?

And then my dream self did me proud.

“Okay, I’ll swing by and get Terry and then I’ll get Lance.”  I assured Terry’s friend.  As I was dialing Terry to get his exact location, Lance showed up at my house.  Even in my dream I was baffled by how he got there and how he got there so quickly.  The dream magic was starting to wear thin.

“I hitched a ride back to Redding.”  Lance said, hopping in the car.  “But I had to leave my bike hidden in a bush.  Would you mind driving me to pick it up?”

“No problem.  We just have to swing by and grab Terry first.”

“I really need to get my bike fixed before tomorrow, but the bike shops will probably be closed by the time we get back.”

“Don’t worry, Lance. I’ll call the mechanic at the bike shop.  I’m sure he’ll open up.”

“You mean he’ll open up for me?”

“No, I mean he’ll open up for me.”  Finally, my dream self found a smidge of cool.

I woke up with a big smile on my face.  I so wished my dream was real.

Yes, hanging with Lance Armstrong would be awesome, but that’s actually not the part I of my dream I wished would come true.

As my dream faded away and I listened to the rain patter on the roof, I wished that my brother hadn’t moved to Las Vegas.

I wish that he still lived here so we could ride our bikes together up to Shasta Dam.

Pete and I riding for Team Fatty & LiveStrong